Those times.

when you think. "When did i become a whiny little bitch?!"

Why do kids do what they do.

You ever wonder why kids want to learn karate. It's cause they believe if they do learn it, they can defend themselves from the bigger kids.

Life a lot of the time is about defending yourself, But what about those times when you can help a friend. Do you take the bullet or defend yourself.

life please sort yourself out.

I!

I have, Some of the most amazing friends in the world. A million happy memories. A bed for me to sleep. A lot of music for my ears. A world for me to explore. A night sky to adore. A star to stare. A universe to lose myself.

A life.

I miss, Some of the most amazing friends in the world. Creating happy memories. Dreaming when i sleep. That feeling when the music jumps into your body. Being able to explore the world. Seeing the night sky. Finding the star i stare at. The mystery of the universe.

You.

I want, Nothing more than what i deserve.

Thank you!

Well it's been awhile. People have told me that my blog needs to be updated cause it looks really emo atm. I WOULD AGREE!!! It's soooo bad right now. I'm hoping to improve that. So today a new start... Again. Late last night my friend markus actually made me cry, DON'T WORRY IT WAS A GOOD CRYING HAPPY CRYING!! It was about me leaving trinity. He was saying how everyone would miss me and things wouldn't be the same. I know that things will change a bit for the trinity people but i will soon be a forgotten memory, it's happened to other students that have left. He said i will be his date to the year 12 formal so i can see everyone again i freaking love this idea haha.

I now also have a formspring and it's pretty cool, But when someone uses it to attack you not so much! HEY you know what YOU should get formspring ahaha.

Well i have been grounded for awhile now cause i was to social ahaha. it's funny because my mum use to yell at me for playing games and not going outside then she grounds me for going out to much >_
Tomorrow i should be seeing a lot of people so i'm happy! I'm getting my haircut and going to 'Hive night' A over night computer thingo at a place called hive ahahah. should be fun n___n i know i will die a lot ahaha. I will try to look cool while playing though cause i'm a roolkid (;DDD)

I'm hoping to see a lot of my friends for the next week or so, they are my happiness :D.

Well thats it for now.
This is Kieran signing off, Cause i'm laughing at haters on formspring!

(WARNING! VENTING, DIRECTED AT SOMEONE) thats the way the condom rips :\ "happy birthday ashlee."

well i guess I'm just a bit insane.

i felt really happy on Thursday night but since then not so much. i got a lot of Hugs and cuddles and may sound gay in saying this but they really make my day. i thought the same thought again, i had an amazing friend who i really liked and she liked me too is what i thought. the morning i knew things were gonna change.

it's 3:13 am, and I'm sitting here with two people reading over my shoulder trying to get me to mention them.Ayden, i will rub your belly tonight. Ashlee read the title again.

I'm not sure what I'm saying or why i am typing this guess i need to vent.

i don't hate you for whats happened, but i can't feel the same around you for awhile. i need you to understand i wanna stay friends with you no matter what. All the things i said about you are all true. Stop doubting yourself, you are wonderful the way you are don't ever change please. I hope the hugs we give from now on still brighten our days the way they use to. those moments were like heaven for me. They made the sunshine brighter and the world slow down. When everything is back to normal i hope we don't have any more problems you are one of my best friends, Bambi please stay happy. Your friend till we die, Kieran.

It's twelve o'clock, and I need your attention
It's like the alcohol making my head spin
Your scent is the rum; the room is a bottle
Keeping me hopeless until I wake tomorrow
If tonight ever makes a difference
The way that I feel, the way that I’ll remember it
I’ll take this down until the glass remains
Swallow the words that I was meant to say

It’s a long drive back to Vegas skies
So why don’t I make one more wrong turn tonight?

So say goodnight, our first goodbye
I’ve only got forever and forever is fine
Just take your time
We’ll stop the clock together and know that the timing was right

All of these guards they stand tall and defensive
Putting up walls around what once was innocent
They won’t let me in, but I’m stronger than that
‘Cause you stole my eyes and I’ve never looked back
Girl, last night I forgot to mention
The way that I feel, the way that I’ll remember this
When we’re this young; we have nothing to lose
Just a clock to beat and a hand to choose

It’s a long drive back to Vegas skies
So why don’t I make one more wrong turn tonight?

So say goodnight, our first goodbye
I’ve only got forever and forever is fine
Just take your time
We’ll stop the clock together and know that the timing was right

It’s a long way down
Just fall into place and you’ll fall into me
We’ll make it out; you’ll see

So say goodnight, our first goodbye
I’ve only got forever and forever is fine
Just take your time
We’ll stop the clock together and

Say goodnight, our first goodbye
I’ve only got forever and forever is fine
Just take your time
We’ll stop the clock together and know that the timing was right




Now i put on my mask to keep the others happy again and for the last time. Because this time the mask will merge with my own face. turning me into someone who can be happy in the darkness and live in the light forever never regretting anything.

who da thunk it.

it's 4:17, all thats on my mind is the song my ipod is playing, whether im hitting the keys to hard, if this was a miracle or a mistake.

Okay first of this is something i have been meaning to say for a while. Who invented love, who created the meaning for it. as far as any of us know love was just something a girl or guy created to justify getting into someone else's pants. So how can we know what our feelings towards each really are. How do we know Hate is Hate.

Describe Love to me. What is it to be "In Love."

The past 2 days have been amazing for me. On thursday i spent the day in town with my new friends Emily and Kim. They were amazing well to me anyways, I haven't known either of them for long but the time i have has been amazing actually laughing at the things emily says to me over msn.

In Town we had no clue what we wanted to do in the beggining so we just walked down rundle mall. i bumped into some of my friends while we walked which made me happy as i got hugs from each of them. I LOVE HUGS!!! we finally figured something to do after awhile and that was exploring shops and not buying anything, yes shop clerks love us.

after a bit of exploring we finally figured out something to do after some parental consent from my mum. She FINALLY let me get my eyebrow pierced. So we headed down to Rundle mall again and went to essential beauty. I was so nervous about it as i didn't know how much it would hurt, but peer pressure prevailed and i got Emily to record it. Laying down on the bed for so long was the worse part i think. It is a tactic they use to build pressure. The lady that pierced it must have thought my eyebrow was a gear box or something seriously. After she clamped it with the clamps (futurama refrence) she started pulling on it. Back and forth, Back and Forth. seriously lady its my face not a racing car!. as she put the needle through my skin i could have easily said something about the pain and the watery eyes i was getting, but seeming like i'm tough is so much better.

Once it was done i was given a few rules to care about it. most of which i have already forgot so i thought i would be smart tonight and look up caring for your eyebrow piercing on google. I found out one of these rules of caring is to not touch it or let others touch it. so my most common line from the past two days "seriously poke it, it's so cooool" isn't so cool anymore.

One of the many people i saw in town was Kirrah :) this made me really happy cause she owed me a few hugs ;DDD and she gives the best ones seriously soooo good. She is one of the greatest people i know ha ha some of the most random chats i have ever had has been with her. <3>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> . . . FAST FORWARD NOISES!
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>

DEBBIE'S, when we arrived it didn't take long for everyone to get their ass' back in the couch grooves they had previously made. This night was a lot less Brawl associated to me. I was happy just being there and talking with people. Seeing Nick again was great he always knows the right way to make me laugh and want to throw at the same time. I don't really remember everything said at the brawl night cause i was really overtired at the time >_____< Both Denni and Kirrah arrived later on in the night and i was happy to see them both smiling as they walked through the door. I LIKE SEEING PEOPLE SMILING. We all talked for awhile at the table while the others were either playing their games, smoking, drinking, cleaning and or sexing it up. it was fun ha ha and a lot of random photos on my camera came out of it for some reason.

Denni had to go home at some point so Kirrah and I walked her home. Denni had said she only lives around the corner from debbie's, She lied. After a 15 minute or so walk and 3 good hustles we arrived at Denni's with some goodbyes said and hugs given Kirrah and i walked back to Debbie's. On the way i kept making Kirrah scared by saying that every random noise was a murder, or a serial killer, i found this very entertaining. She didn't grabbing on to my arm for safety haha.

When we did get back to debbie's, everyone was even more spread out. Somewhere in bed some had gone home. Some were still smoking. The later it got the more tired i got before i noticed i was falling asleep while playing pokemon puzzle league. So i decided it was time for bed for me. As i went to say night to everyone i saw Kirrah falling asleep in between two people so i told her there was a spare bed available in the other room she quickly got up and followed me to it. We said good night to Debbie who pretty much was our Designated Parent for the night. and she let us sleep. it go so hot in that room and we couldn't find a way to cool down so we had to deal with it >________<. we woke up around 11:30 and got ready and left debbies about 12:15. It was an amazing night for me at debbies.

I then got a bus and a train to my friend Markus' place where His self, Ayden, Olli, Ashlee and i have been playing games since. the only time we stopped playing was to eat dinner, which was pizza and it was so good to me. <3 I LOVE PIZZA. at the moment Olli is at his place, Markus and Ayden are asleep. and i am on a laptop typing my blog at 5:56 am.

This is Kieran Signing off Cause i'm about to pass out.

i will write something happy soon.

atm, i can't concentrate but i will write something nice about today! cause it was wonderful!

Like i said.

i guess it's like i said life always turns around for you when its looking bad. i guess whoever reads this lately would have read all the depressing stuff i have been feeling, but i'm hoping to put all that behind me now. Last night and Today have been some of the best days in my life. Right now though i'm rethinking it. I mean yeah i like her a lot but it feels like i can't get any words out sometimes. I don't want this to be like my last relationship i felt like a real monster then. i hope shannon gets a great life and is happy, all i wanted her to feel free so i made her hate me it seemed like the only way. I don't know if it worked or not. It still affects me when i see her name or something on facebook but i guess that will stop at somepoint -_- sometimes i hate it when people randomly add other people especially when i know them >_<

I'm going to the city today with Jen from my old school we haven't really talked in ages cause we had a fight in drama one time and that kinda stopped the friendship i tried to recover it by giving her a birthday present of a photo with all our group ready for ball. that didn't work so hopefully this will, i miss those kids sometimes.

Yesterday i spent a lot of the time looking at old photos and seeing how much i changed made me smile i know i have changed for better in looks i mean damn a hair cut can do a lot. makes me a bit nervous for when i shave it all off, but hopefully i can get a lot of money for the charity.

the bruise on my head from last night is going down. i guess thats what i get for trying to take a shortcut. or maybe ttp should make their handrails stronger, least it wasn't a little kid it happened to. i have a massive lump on my head, ttp is missing a pole from it's handrail. i don't know who won.

well thats it for now. this kieran going to live my life!

I tried.

I tried to stay away it didn't work. but i'm glad, she said she loved me too. i feel so happy now. i also feel like a girl so many emotions going around.

I lied.

i was meant to make things change for me this year become a better person. that hasn't gone so well. i feel like not only have i fallen back into old habbits but they have became worse. i seem to always find a way to bring up my problems into a chat. or when someone asks me whats wrong i lie to them embarrassed about the truth. i have been thinking about the girl again. and maybe just taking a letter to her house explaining everything. mind you her house is about a 2 and a half hour trip for me >_< but i believe the end result will solve my problem with her. weither it be she chooses to forget about me. or responds to the letter the way i want her to by talking to me. i'm starting to hate love. it makes me feel out of place and on my own. why do most of my friends have to be in couples. :( i hate how emo i have become.

Finish it.

well the girl i thought i loved, i finally built up the courage to ask her out. but i never got the chance i found out she is already going out with a person. guess thats what i get for being to afraid, i will learn to improve, to take a blind leap of faith next time. because i don't want to lose anyone else i care about as much as i do her. i feel like i have to lose her or else i will do something retarded and it will end our friendship and her happiness.

And I wait here on my own, And I wait for you to see, All the time I spend alone now won't comfort me.

i went to the movies with some old friends tonight i feel out of place but it was strangely a good feeling. The way i saw them was moving so fast while i was slowly walking around them. it was sad but still amazing to me. i love them for asking me to come out with them.

already so wrong. -who cares about the date.

for the very few people that will ever read this.
2010 isn't that good so far and it's only been 22 hours.
i have been reminded of horrible things i have done.
i have been depressed for ages now and i'm sick of hiding it.
i need my friends around me but i know i annoy them if i am with them for to long.
i see others in trouble and try to help them but i can't.
i miss my friend who i think i might love but i'm so scared now i can't say it properly so i hide behind the ILY's and /HUGS.

i'm not enjoying the thoughts that go through my head when i'm alone. it's almost as if i'm a different person always sad, angry, bored and lazy. With my friends i am me but without them who am i? who am i when i'm alone? i guess i need to find it out on my own.

bye for now love that kid in the background.